Tag: trauma

a woman from behind looking out a window, with a green and gold background and title trauma secrets: healing without the audience

Trauma Secrets: Healing Without The Audience

You don’t have to share your trauma. You can if you want to, but you don’t have to. Whether you choose to keep it to yourself or share it with the world does not make it any more or less valid.

I do recommend having one person that you can talk to. Whether it’s a trusted friend or family member, a therapist, or even an anonymous forum…  I know from experience that not opening up at all can lead to a full blown mental breakdown and can make it harder to heal. But my point is:

You don’t need to tell the world what happened to you in order to be allowed to fully feel it.

I have unfortunately been through a fair amount of trauma in my life. Some of it I have shared with friends, family and even strangers. Some of it I haven’t shared with anyone other than my therapist and my husband. My feelings about each situation are still equally valid.

I can’t remember where I read it, but someone said you need to share your trauma because it could be what saves someone else. And I get it- I know reading about other women who’ve been through what I’ve been through has helped me. The whole ‘not alone’ thing. You could totally be that person for someone else, and that’s awesome if you want to. I’m here to tell you that you do NOT have to. You are responsible for healing and taking care of yourself. You don’t need to be anyone else’s hero.

I’ve also read things like “Well it couldn’t have been that bad if she didn’t tell anyone.” That’s also complete bullshit.

Odds are, half of the shit you will read is bullshit.

A lot of the time, even the people who do share their trauma don’t necessarily share right away. A big reason is for some of us is that we are ingrained with a victim mentality and therefore convince ourselves that it was our fault or that we deserved the bad things that happened to us. Sometimes we feel shame, despite the fact that it wasn’t our fault. Maybe we’re in denial. Other times, it’s because we’re afraid of judgment or the way that people might look at us if they knew. They might think we were weak or stupid.  Or maybe they’ll tell us we’re overreacting because other people have it worse. Sometimes talking about it makes it too real or can re-traumatize us.

A lot of the time, we’re just scared and find it hard to trust anyone.

There are a million different reasons that people choose not to share their trauma and every one of those reasons is valid. Whatever your reasons, it’s your story and you get to be the one to decide whether or not to tell it. The same way you get to decide how to feel it.

My point is, whether you make the decision to share or not to share, you’re making the right decision for you. Either way, your trauma is valid. Your feelings are valid and they matter. You don’t need to justify or explain why you feel the way you do. Heal at your own pace and do what feels right for you. 

Don’t let anyone pressure you either way.

Again, I do recommend connecting with one person just to help you process. Before I finally did that, I bottled everything up inside and tried to pretend that it wasn’t real. I thought that if no one knew, than I could pretend it hadn’t happened and make it all go away. What ended up happening was that it kept building up inside me and I started having a really hard time keeping it all together. Panic attacks, constant crying and nightmares became my new normal and I felt like I couldn’t breathe. Once I found the right person and was able to let it all out, it was as if a huge weight had been lifted off of me. I had someone to help me navigate through the mine-field that my mind had become, but overall, I still kept my privacy.

That being said, sometimes even one person knowing what you went through can feel like too much. If that’s the case for you and you want to keep your trauma completely private, there are so many forums or anonymous groups online and I’ve found a couple of them to be very helpful in the past. If you really don’t want to talk to anyone, try journaling. Anything to help you not drown in your thoughts.

And as always, remember that you matter. Please don’t ever let anyone make you think otherwise.

And of course, a reminder that if you need a little extra support, I’m your girl. I offer one on one coaching as well as a free facebook community for support. You can check get more info by clicking the links, and of course feel free to reach out to me with any additional questions.

a woman looking away, with a green and gold background and title trauma is not your fault but healing is your responsibility

Trauma is not your fault, but healing is your responsibility.

A few years ago, I went through a trauma that really messed me up. Afterwards, it was like I lost all control of myself. I felt like I couldn’t breathe no matter what I did, and I couldn’t think about anything else. My entire body would shake, panic attacks were constant and I couldn’t close my eyes without seeing what had happened to me. I cried myself to sleep and then woke up screaming from the nightmares. It honestly felt like my whole world had been ripped apart.

Everything I thought I knew felt wrong and I was terrified all of the time. I had trouble finding motivation to get out of bed, lost interest in all of my hobbies, and moved through my life like a zombie for months. I’m pretty sure that everyone could tell that there was something wrong with me long before I was officially diagnosed with PTSD.

My husband convinced me to go to therapy and during my very first session, the therapist said something that changed everything.

“What happened to you was not your fault, but healing is your responsibility.”

At first, I was livid. Why was I the one that had to do the work when I was the one that got hurt? I wasn’t the one who made life-destroying choices, yet I was the only one suffering.  How was that fair?

All I wanted was to go back home, crawl under the covers and continue shutting the world out. But as we talked through it, I realized that he was right. No one else was going to fix me. I could sit around and let myself drown in my misery, wishing things had been different, or I could work towards rebuilding. I’m really proud of myself for choosing to rebuild.

I’ll be honest with you; there are times where I’m still going through it.

I still have bad moments some days where I start thinking about the past and feeling bad for myself. Moments where I am suddenly terrified or angry or wracked with pain.  But while they used to consume me every minute of every day, now they’re few and far between. I’m so much better than I was, and I’m continuing to get better. I’m building a life that fills me with joy and purpose. Because I am so much stronger than my trauma, and once I owned that, I was able to change everything.

Over the years, I have made some MAJOR changes in my life.

The most important change was becoming a mom. My daughter breathed a new life into me and motivated me to work even harder to heal and become stronger. And then my son increased that drive and made me even more determined. Every single moment with them is healing on it’s own.

On top of those little blessings, I cleaned house on all of my toxic relationships, set some major boundaries, and started learning about self-care and empowerment. The relationships that were good for me were strengthened and I found a whole new sense of self-worth. I also traveled, left my full-time job, started my own business, moved to a new state where I’ve been renovating my dream house, and started conneting with other women who want more out of life. I’ve taken a bunch of new classes and got certified in things that have interested me, participated in multiple summits for women who want to take their lives to the next level, learned new skills, and so much more.

Not bad for someone who just a few short years ago had pretty must lost the will to live, right?

The point of all of this?

Basically, I wanted to tell you that if you’ve been through something traumatic or scary or sad that wasn’t your fault…

You didn’t deserve it. How do I know? Because no one deserves to be traumatized. But even if you were a victim- even if you were just the collateral damage of someone else’s horrible choices- you still need to heal. You need to do it for you. That is your responsibility.

Don’t let them take your life from you. Don’t let them win.

Even if it seems like your world has ended and there is no hope of happier days, you need to try. Start with small goals and don’t be afraid or ashamed to ask for help. Some days, your goal might just be to get out of bed, and that’s okay. Heal at your own pace and start building a life that you love. I promise you, you will not regret it.

You are stronger than you think.

If you take nothing else from this, please just remember that you matter.

And of course, a reminder that if you need a little extra support, I’m your girl. I offer one on one coaching as well as a free facebook community for support. You can check get more info by clicking the links, and of course feel free to reach out to me with any additional questions.